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  1. #1
    Ociffer Tackleberry manimal's Avatar
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    To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown - craigslist ad

    http://savannah.craigslist.org/rnr/982078099.html

    :biggrin:

    i'll post the ad for longevity in case CL deletes it.

    I was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.

    I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?

    I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.

    I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it. Oh well.

    So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch and laundry. Peace!

    - Alex




    Location: Downtown, Savannah
    it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

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  3. #2
    Turbo Monkey Austin Bike's Avatar
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    Can I at least have the phone back?
    Repeat after me - Austin is not Texas.


    Go to www.austinbike.com for Central Texas biking info

  4. #3
    Al Bundy Serial Midget's Avatar
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    Bogus.
    "midget sex should smell like bacon and secret shame" Derp McDerp

  5. #4
    e-douche of the year RUFUS's Avatar
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    That is funny though.
    www.RyanCathrall.com
    Action Sports Photographer
    https://www.facebook.com/pages/Rufus...04480642897968
    Quote Originally Posted by schwaaa31 View Post
    He makes stickers, making him an industry insider. Whatever he says is the truth.

  6. #5
    Turbo Monkey ridiculous's Avatar
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    thats good stuff

  7. #6
    Monkey LeRoy's Avatar
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    It's a funny piece of fiction. Oh, if only we were ALL armed ALL the time. No one would ever be the victim of a crime.

  8. #7
    A fowl peckerwood. MMike's Avatar
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    “What does a man do, Walter? A man provides. And he does it even when he’s not appreciated, or respected, or even loved. He simply bears up and he does it. Because he’s a man.”

  9. #8
    Hero johnbryanpeters's Avatar
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    This posting has been flagged for removal

    (The title on the listings page will be removed in just a few minutes.)
    Quote Originally Posted by pigboy
    Naggy old crone.

  10. #9
    Ociffer Tackleberry manimal's Avatar
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    yeah, i figured it was a little too far-fetched...but still amusing.

  11. #10
    Hero johnbryanpeters's Avatar
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    Amusing and racist.
    Quote Originally Posted by pigboy
    Naggy old crone.

  12. #11
    filthy rascist JohnE's Avatar
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    I read nothing rascist in it at all...what am I missing?
    Someday, I hope to be the person my dogs think I am.

  13. #12
    Hero johnbryanpeters's Avatar
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    "I was the white guy ..."
    Quote Originally Posted by pigboy
    Naggy old crone.

  14. #13
    A fowl peckerwood. MMike's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by johnbryanpeters View Post
    "I was the white guy ..."
    "Momma"?
    “What does a man do, Walter? A man provides. And he does it even when he’s not appreciated, or respected, or even loved. He simply bears up and he does it. Because he’s a man.”

  15. #14
    MMMMMMMMM BEER!!!!!!!!!! Brian HCM#1's Avatar
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    Classic
    Karpiel's in stock now!
    brian@karpiel.com www.karpiel.com

  16. #15
    Monkey cadmus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by johnbryanpeters View Post
    "I was the white guy ..."
    So using one's race as a descriptor makes someone racist? Guess we better draw up new forms for police reports, obviously they aren't PC.

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