---

WASHINGTON—Standing before members of the White House Press Corps Wednesday afternoon as aides lowered a bunch of grapes into his mouth, President Obama encouraged everyone gathered in the West Wing briefing room to abandon their inhibitions and revel in a wild, drunken orgy.

Sources confirmed Obama, who had initially called the press conference to discuss the progress on an infrastructure development bill, suddenly requested everyone in the room strip off their clothing and strongly urged NBC’s Chuck Todd and CNN’s Jessica Yellin to kick the festivities off by engaging in oral sex in front of the podium.

“This afternoon I will discuss how the new water resource development bill could affect S. 601, but first, I think we should all give in to the basest of our primal urges and drink thirstily from the cup of lust,” said Obama, as the juice of the grapes he was eating ran down his chin and White House staffers placed a wreath of leaves onto his head. “This is a day of excess! So now, release yourselves from your attire and surrender your body and mind to the pleasures of the vita carnalis, and to the sheer majesty of the human flesh.”

...

Throughout the course of the lascivious ceremony, sources also reported seeing a fully nude White House press secretary Jay Carney prancing between the writhing, sweat-soaked nude bodies sprawled across the room while playing a pan flute and vigorously tugging his erect penis.

“Are we not but beasts, each and every one of us?” Obama roared, as a line of young White House interns frantically playing drums filed into the room followed by servants carrying large trays loaded with slow-roasted boars, cooked turkeys, salted fish, and one large goat on a spit. “Death may visit us all by nightfall, thus do not concern yourself with the petty, ephemeral nature of existence and instead embrace pure pleasure!”

---

---

---

---

One politician from a party that not long ago ruled in a coalition derided what he called Italy’s new “bonga bonga government.” On Wednesday, amid increasing revulsion over the reaction, the government authorized an investigation into neo-fascist websites whose members called Kyenge “Congolese monkey” and other epithets.

---