NBR - Name change

[amydalayna]

Question for you ladies...

So, I got married a year and a half ago. Didn't change my name. I like my name.... it has character. But my husband REALLY REALLY wants me to take his last name. His last name is boring.
Did any of you married ladies keep your original last name? Did it cause any strife?

[H8R]

Question for you ladies...

So, I got married a year and a half ago. Didn't change my name. I like my name.... it has character. But my husband REALLY REALLY wants me to take his last name. His last name is boring.
Did any of you married ladies keep your original last name? Did it cause any strife?

Tell him to get over it. If your last name rocks, keep it. This is America dammit.

[amydalayna]

Tell him to get over it. If your last name rocks, keep it. This is America dammit.

I don't have a killer last name, just one with character. But it seems to mean a real lot to him.
He says, 'we're a team. our name should say we're a team'

[H8R]

I don't have a killer last name, just one with character. But it seems to mean a real lot to him.
He says, 'we're a team. our name should say we're a team'

Everyone on a team needs to have the same last name?


My wife and I have different names. No biggie at all. We are still a strong team. The strongest in fact. I mean, we're league champions. Other marriages go home crying.

:D

[MudGrrl]

Tell him to change his name.

[H8R]

Tell him to change his name.

DING!

[Echo]

DING!
I think she asked this question in the Mud Hunnies forum because she wanted answers from females.

That's probably why her post started "Question for you ladies".

[Westy]

I think she asked this question in the Mud Hunnies forum because she wanted answers from females.

That's probably why her post started "Question for you ladies".


I don't see what the problem is.

[Echo]

I don't see what the problem is.
Could be I'm just being a jerk.

[altagirl]

I kept my last name, but my husband supported me doing it. At first, it was because I was getting out of the military and didn't want to have to change all my records - I figured I'd do it in a couple months once I got out. But my mom freaked about it. Apparently God wants me to change my name. And it's what I'm supposed to do as a woman. Or some crazy nonsense.

Well that pissed me off - my husband too. So after the big speech from my mom, we both decided I shouldn't ever change it on principle.

Honestly, I don't know how I'd feel about it if he pushed me to change it. If it was - you know I'd love it if you were Mrs. ****, but if you want to keep your name, that's cool... I'd probably have done it. But being pushy about it doesn't seem fair. Why is it so important to him?

[Westy]

Could be I'm just being a jerk.

Nah, I'm just busting on H8R.

My unwanted $.02 on the topic. If you want to keep your name you should keep it.

[amydalayna]

he's not pushy about it... he just thinks it makes us more unified. like if we had kids.

i would hyphenate it if it wouldn't make it the most ridiculous name ever, but it does.

so, i'm torn. i don't feel like changing it just because i'm so used to the name and his last name is very common. It's not Jones of Smith, but it's pretty common. And Amy Jones or Amy Smith or Amy whatever just seems pretty boring.

I'll probably change it because I think that him wanting me to change it means more to him than me not wanting to change it. Bummer. It's funny how attached to your name you get.

[geargrrl]

I took his name. For me, it's part of committing to be a unit of one that is made of two. Also, once you have kids the whole hypenated thing is a pain in the butt. The hypenated thing is a pain in the butt anyway.

gg

[LordOpie]

My fiancee is going to change her name. If she really didn't want to, I'd change mine to hers.

Some issues to consider:

1. Having kids?
We'll likely have kids. I feel it's important for everyone in the family to have the same last name.

2. Family history?
If one of you has a deep family history that's important to you, then it's a good idea to keep the name, well, if you're going to have kids.

3. Legalities?
I suspect it's easier to get important stuff done with the same name. Like if one of you ends up in the hospital, they might give you a hard time with different last names? I'm just guessing here.


Do you feel like you'd be losing your identity if you changed your name? That goes for women and men.

What about both of you changing names to something that you both like?

[LordOpie]

And Amy Jones or Amy Smith or Amy whatever just seems pretty boring.
Ah, I see.

You should change your first name then.

[sanjuro]

I think you should go with Herring...

[altagirl]

I've been married almost 6 years now and haven't ever run into a difficulty because our last names are different. And I'm in Utah, where it's not particularly common to keep your name.

Changing your first name is a pretty funny idea...

[amydalayna]

Ah, I see.

You should change your first name then.

that is a really good thought.
Middle name is Dalayna

Dalayna xxxx would be better.

[amydalayna]

I think you should go with Herring...

True story.

My husband's last name is Fish. His mom's maiden name is Herring.

I will be Amy Swordfish

[LordOpie]

I will be Amy Swordfish

liar!

I say that cuz Swordfish is an awesome last name.

Maybe it's cuz I'm a guy?


Or wait, are you saying his last name is Swordfish or is that a joke and his name is really "Fish"?

Change your name to Katherine and then people can call you Kat Fish :D


Don't change your name to Tuna tho.


EDIT: Dalayna is an wicked cool name.

[VT Mtbkr]

My plans for my very nice last name is to plan on naming a one of my kids my last name as a first name. (of course this wouldn't work for all names) Of course I have a feeling my sister is going to beat me to this idea.

[McGRP01]

My wife changed her last name to mine 2 years ago after 7 years of marriage. She was ready, and wanted to. If you're still questioning the idea then wait.

[sanjuro]

I think Mr. Amydalayna has a certain ring...

[H8R]

I think she asked this question in the Mud Hunnies forum because she wanted answers from females.

That's probably why her post started "Question for you ladies".

Well, I'm married, so that makes me an expert. Also, everyone loves my advise, so I am generous with it, because I'm cool like that.

You should listen to me, maybe people will like you better.



You're welcome.

:D

[H8R]

BTW Amy -

Your kids should be named:

One
Two
Red
Blue

[Velocity Girl]

In my first marriage I didn't change my last name. My ex "said" he supported it, but it was with a bit of bitterness I believe. For me I was still too close to my past that was associated with that name and wasn't ready to give it up. Part of the reason also is that I grew up in a household with mutliple last names (parents divorced, mom remarried) so I never bought into the whole...it'll be easier when you have kids (even though I don't). Or it makes us more of a "family". I never felt like less of a family with my step-dad and brothers or had issues with them having different last names...you just get used to it. So I saw no good reason for changing it. And when I asked my ex if he would change his name he said "no" and couldn't give me a good enough reason then why I should then be the one who has to do it if he woulnd't do the same.

Now I'm married again and changed my name willingly. Probably in part because Freak truly was supportive of whatever decision I made. He said it would be nice if I did, but he understood if I wanted to keep my last name...no biggie. And actually...as for things being easier with the same last name you can argue that either way because sometimes it's a pain that some of my old documents have a different last name and that I have to show proof of who I am.

I say do whatever feels right to you. Or you both compromise and pick a totally new last name together!

[amydalayna]

i'm seriously thinking of

Dalayna Fish

not so bad.

My husband says I should go by A. Dalayna Fish. I would sound famous.

Dalayna Swordfish would be super rad. I should have super powers with a name like that.

[Westy]

Maxine Power.

[H8R]

i'm seriously thinking of

Dalayna Fish

not so bad.

My husband says I should go by A. Dalayna Fish. I would sound famous.

Dalayna Swordfish would be super rad. I should have super powers with a name like that.

How about Falaya?

:D

[Snacks]

I was totally against changing mine, I too have Amy as my first name. My last name is okay, but it so frikin' long. If or when I change it will be kinda boring, but way shorter and I'll stop having to spell it instead of saying it.

[TreeSaw]

I changed my name willingly...didn't really even think about it at the time. I guess I viewed it in the same way as geargrl. I do like the A. Dalayna Fish...definitely sounds famous to me ;)

[luvz2ridez]

I couldn't wait to get rid of my last name...

[LordOpie]

For some people, changing their name is way too inconvenient.

My ex changed her name so often, they gave a her VIP lane pass at the DMV.

[amydalayna]

i'm confused at changing my name too. the dmv site says i need documentation, such as a marraige license, in order to change my name.

does that mean i can only change my last name when I go? I'm confused.

[Shyrmp]

i'm confused at changing my name too. the dmv site says i need documentation, such as a marraige license, in order to change my name.

does that mean i can only change my last name when I go? I'm confused.

Amy, in California you need to change it with the social security department first because the DMV require that SSN records match the name you want to change to. For both DMV and SSN you will need a copy of your marriage license.

[Shyrmp]

I changed my name willingly...didn't really even think about it at the time. I guess I viewed it in the same way as geargrl. I do like the A. Dalayna Fish...definitely sounds famous to me ;)

:stupid: (as in I'm with her now that they have taken my smiley away :p )

[Dirtdog]

I say change it.
I got married a year and a half ago too. I changed my name without any thought about keeping my maiden name. For me it was because I wanted to be identified with him. It was one of the small ways I could show how I feel about him and that I was proud to be teaming up with him.

[mohshee]

At first I had really wanted to keep my name. I thought it kind of defined me as the person I was. My hubby would have been supportive if I kept it, but I do think he secretly really wanted me to take his name. After some soulsearching, it almost felt like turning over a new leaf. A new chapter in my life. And I would want my kids to have the same last name too. I didn't have a really good reason to keep the old one.

Growing up, my mother remarried many times, and she changed her name many times, except in certain instances, in which she insisted to go by her maiden name and then her first husband's name (my father). It was a little confusing.

I do like my new name, although I have received grief for it. Particularly in my field. I am in science, closing in on the "glorious" PhD, but I hadn't really published anything I deemed significant enough to keep my maiden name for (in order to ease confusion). So it seemed like an opportune time to change it if I wanted to. Once I had, younger women in my field (a lot seem to be over-the-top feminists) were kind of appalled, as though I was giving up some sort of independence. My mother even seemed upset.

Ultimately, you have to decide what is good for you. I am glad I changed it. I like my new last name, and in a sense, it does identify me as part of a clan (which from a small family, I didn't have the opportunity).

[LordOpie]

Once I had, younger women in my field (a lot seem to be over-the-top feminists) were kind of appalled, as though I was giving up some sort of independence.
that's just silly. They must not be secure in who they really are to have such anxiety over it.


PS: I'm not suggesting that women give up their name, just saying that fear of losing one's identity means they don't have a strong enough identity to begin with.

You can call me Westy for all I care. Just don't call me N8.

[I Are Baboon]

MtnBikerChk changed her last name, but I left the decision entirely up to her. If she wanted to keep her old name, I wouldn't have had a problem with it. Her old name was nice and simple, now she's got my name to deal with the rest of her life. She now enjoys a life of having to spell her last name for everyone! :D I mean, so many people spell it with too many B's. It's B-A-B-O-O-N.

[MtnBikerChk]

Just do what you want - really.

Some people get so upset over stupid things. IE there's a guy in my office who got engaged this summer. Their wedding is next September. Both him and his fiancee are very bent out of shape because HER brother got engaged after them but is getting married before them.

They both think it's a sign of disrespect that they are getting married first (also, SHE is older and He is younger).

What a load of crap.

[amydalayna]

She now enjoys a life of having to spell her last name for everyone! :D I mean, so many people spell it with too many B's. It's B-A-B-O-O-N.

cute.

a friend suggested i just throw the husband's last name to the end of my existing name. I'll have 4 names and I can choose to go by whatever I want.
I guess that works for me.

Heather, Thanks for the social security heads up. I was hoping to resolve the name thing today because I had the day off, but I'll have to figure out what I'm doing first.

[sanjuro]

how about Ben and Amy Fong?

[TreeSaw]

Amy, in California you need to change it with the social security department first because the DMV require that SSN records match the name you want to change to. For both DMV and SSN you will need a copy of your marriage license.

Same here in NY too. I would suggest downloading the form and filling it all in befoer you go to the office too...takes less time that way!

[nanhar]

I have been married 25 years and no I did not change my last name. However, it was something we agreed upon before we got married. And thankfully, he has never changed his mind.

[S.K.C.]

(O.K. - I know, this was meant for the Ladies only, but since some other fellas threw in their 2 cents... )

From a guy's viewpoint, I think the whole name thing is more about identification in a traditionalist society.

To other people whether it be friends or strangers, if it's "Mr. and Mrs. XXXXX" that says: O.K. - they're a couple and they're married. If it's Mr. XXXX and (would it be Ms. or Mrs.? YYYY) it gives the impression of a lack of solidarity and is a bit confusing.

A funny thing happened to a friend of mine at a college roomate's wedding. For a half hour he was flirting with this girl he met, and she was polite to him, but just didn't seem to be into him. So he dropped it - but the funny thing is that this pissed off guy comes up to him later and says "So I heard you were hitting on my wife..." to which my friend said: "What? Her? But she doesn't have the same last name!" So the guy explained that she had kept hers, but for my friend, the embarassment had already set in. He's totally not the kind of guy to go out and hit on somebody's wife, so this really made things a bit uncomfortable for the rest of the night.

The whole name thing goes back to the old days - when exactly I have no idea.

It's a tradition, and like most traditions, it seems weird and something that doesn't make sense, but then again it does automatically register "couple" when other people see it.

But to each his or her own. I can totally see how some women see it as an act of servitude, or like some kind of ownership. Gloria Steinem has written about this at length I'm sure.

But it's really not about that - to me it's about the joining of two people to become one - a family unit. Yes, a marriage runs deeper than just a label, but like what was said before, if you love your husband/wife there is a nice feeling you get when you're known to the world as "Mr. and Mrs.". Just like when you are meeting people and get to say: "This is my husband, or This is my wife..."

[goodtobeIrie]

I've been married 9 1/2 years...and haven't changed my name...

1. my family kicks azz and I like being a part of them and keeping the same last name

2. a friend in high school decided to change her name after 6 months of marriage and died in the Oklahoma bombing while doing so...so it's kind of an honor/dedication thing to her

3. at the time I was like F that...he can change his name if anyone's gonna do it

4. I think most super old skool traditions are lame and are for men's desires

5. what a pain in the azz

CONS of not changing it

1. it can be a pain when getting things like car insurance/health insurance...etc... ie: they make you bring or show proof of your marriage certificate

2. his name is easier to say than mine and probably cooler

3. it would probably make the old man happy...although he acts like he could care less

do what you want and what makes you happy...it's your life...

[dan-o]

My wife kept her name and the kids have my last name.
Once in a while there's some confusion/hassles related to having different names, but nothing major.

I don't have any problems with it personally. My wife may be a selfish bitch with little respect for tradition, but I love her anyway! :monkey:

[Quo Fan]

If I ever get married again, the decision to take my name will be entirely up to her. If she wants it, fine. If she doesn't, that's cool too.

Both ex-wives took my last name, but the last one was over 20 years ago.

[MtnBikerChk]

If I ever get married again, the decision to take my name will be entirely up to her. If she wants it, fine. If she doesn't, that's cool too.

Both ex-wives took my last name, but the last one was over 20 years ago.

wha? Just how old are you? LOL

[altagirl]

(O.K. - I know, this was meant for the Ladies only, but since some other fellas threw in their 2 cents... )

From a guy's viewpoint, I think the whole name thing is more about identification in a traditionalist society.

To other people whether it be friends or strangers, if it's "Mr. and Mrs. XXXXX" that says: O.K. - they're a couple and they're married. If it's Mr. XXXX and (would it be Ms. or Mrs.? YYYY) it gives the impression of a lack of solidarity and is a bit confusing.

A funny thing happened to a friend of mine at a college roomate's wedding. For a half hour he was flirting with this girl he met, and she was polite to him, but just didn't seem to be into him. So he dropped it - but the funny thing is that this pissed off guy comes up to him later and says "So I heard you were hitting on my wife..." to which my friend said: "What? Her? But she doesn't have the same last name!" So the guy explained that she had kept hers, but for my friend, the embarassment had already set in. He's totally not the kind of guy to go out and hit on somebody's wife, so this really made things a bit uncomfortable for the rest of the night.

The whole name thing goes back to the old days - when exactly I have no idea.

It's a tradition, and like most traditions, it seems weird and something that doesn't make sense, but then again it does automatically register "couple" when other people see it.

But to each his or her own. I can totally see how some women see it as an act of servitude, or like some kind of ownership. Gloria Steinem has written about this at length I'm sure.

But it's really not about that - to me it's about the joining of two people to become one - a family unit. Yes, a marriage runs deeper than just a label, but like what was said before, if you love your husband/wife there is a nice feeling you get when you're known to the world as "Mr. and Mrs.". Just like when you are meeting people and get to say: "This is my husband, or This is my wife..."

Your story makes no sense to me (as a reason to share the same last name).

A. Unless she is mute, why couldn't she have said "I'm married" when he was hitting on her? What kind of spineless person goes and tattles on someone for flirting so her husband can confront them? That's just wrong.

B. If I meet someone at a wedding, or anywhere else, I'm going to just use my first name when making introductions. So how would anyone know last names to even make that call?

[chuky]

Changing my name was something a thought about for a few minutes and decided I liked. It makes everything so much easier - banks, licenses, dealing with anything official.

I think that getting married at all raises a lot of the same issues as name change. If you are okay with all of the meaning and history behind one, I don't see the problem with the other. I figure it is the quality of my relationship that determines whether or not I am victimized by the patriarchy, not what is on my driver's license, eh?

[amydalayna]

I don't think changing my name makes anything easier. I've gone for a year and a half without a hassle.

But to change my name I will have to update: Social Security card, License, Mortgage papers, banking stuff, credit card stuff, etc...

Pain in the arse.

[MudGrrl]

tradition is a poor reason to do anything.

unless you're talking about pumpkin pie at thanksgiving or putting up lights in the winter.... those things are fun.

[amydalayna]

tradition is a poor reason to do anything.

unless you're talking about pumpkin pie at thanksgiving or putting up lights in the winter.... those things are fun.

i'm with you.

tradition is good as long as it is delicious.

[S.K.C.]

Your story makes no sense to me (as a reason to share the same last name).

A. Unless she is mute, why couldn't she have said "I'm married" when he was hitting on her? What kind of spineless person goes and tattles on someone for flirting so her husband can confront them? That's just wrong.

B. If I meet someone at a wedding, or anywhere else, I'm going to just use my first name when making introductions. So how would anyone know last names to even make that call?


...The husband saw my buddy talking to his wife, then she went with her friends to talk with some other people. The husband was talking with his guy friends, and then I guess after a certain point he came over to "clear the air" as it were.:biggrin:

My buddy new of the wife's last name because his cousin dated her brother a while ago - and he new the husband's last name from looking at the place settings at the table - you know the little name cards they put near your dinner plate?

I was just wondering though - so if you have kids and the husband and wife have different last names - what do you do about that?

[Snacks]

To other people whether it be friends or strangers, if it's "Mr. and Mrs. XXXXX" that says: O.K. - they're a couple and they're married. If it's Mr. XXXX and (would it be Ms. or Mrs.? YYYY) it gives the impression of a lack of solidarity and is a bit confusing.


Lack of solidarity because you didn't take your husbands name? That is stupid. What about the woman not taking his name for career reasons? Not like a celebrity, but maybe for sales contact reasons? Maybe she is a lawyer and changing her name would be more trouble than it’s worth.

Maybe she has a strong connection to her last name, like she is an only child and wants to keep her last name to honor her family?

[S.K.C.]

Lack of solidarity because you didn't take your husbands name? That is stupid. What about the woman not taking his name for career reasons? Not like a celebrity, but maybe for sales contact reasons? Maybe she is a lawyer and changing her name would be more trouble than it’s worth.

Maybe she has a strong connection to her last name, like she is an only child and wants to keep her last name to honor her family?

Definitely - I totally agree with you about that.

With lawyers, doctors, and other jobs that closely tie your name and your business it would only make sense to keep your name. But therein lies the explanation - different last names because of a profession.

The whole point of getting married is to become "one" with another person right? So having the same last name seems to make sense to me.

Just my take on the name change thing - I'm not telling her what to do, just providing a viewpoint.

[LordOpie]

Lack of solidarity because you didn't take your husbands name? That is stupid.

SKC said, "...gives the impression..." and that's absolutely correct. Society has certain views -- the view may be ignorant, but society has them nonetheless.

If you don't mind the aggrivation of educating people, then cool.


As for different last names and adultery, there's no correlation, but cheaters should be shot.

[altagirl]

...The husband saw my buddy talking to his wife, then she went with her friends to talk with some other people. The husband was talking with his guy friends, and then I guess after a certain point he came over to "clear the air" as it were.:biggrin:

My buddy new of the wife's last name because his cousin dated her brother a while ago - and he new the husband's last name from looking at the place settings at the table - you know the little name cards they put near your dinner plate?

I was just wondering though - so if you have kids and the husband and wife have different last names - what do you do about that?

Huh. So what if they were just engaged or living together or something. Then it would have been cool with her boyfriend/fiancee? It just seems all weird to me. To me, it's your own responsibility as a person in a serious relationship to mention your relationship if someone is flirting with you. End of story.

And as far as having kids goes - I have no idea. We've never considered having kids, so I've also never considered what their last name would be.

[Qman]

tradition is good as long as it is delicious.

What a fantastic line!
It is a pain in the ass. I wouldn't recommend it unless you have kids but even then, it isn't necessary.

on a side note about names and marriage: I heard today that KFed is now being called "FedEx".